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(1 hit | smoke me) graduation [18 Dec 2005|11:57pm] [ music | nothing ] Today Ryan's parents, sister, brother-in-law and I attended Ryan's graduation. We had reserved seats in the front row. Judy, Renae and I received roses from the president. The president of IUP made a small speech, saying who Ryan was, and why his diploma is different than everyone elses; why the five of us were there to accept it, instead of the graduate himself. For the millionth time since Ryan's death, he received a standing ovation. I am so proud of him, still. He has been gone for five months and I wake up everyday and drown in this nightmare. ATK for always, July 10. "The military doesn't train you for this. They teach you to survive, to kill, and to conquer. They teach you how to make a tent with no more than a 5/50 cord and a poncho. They tell you 'blood makes the grass grow.' The knowledge in which I need know leaves me broken and speechless: How do you leave the love of your life behind? It just hit me that I won't see her or hold her body against me for another 334 days. I can't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks and all over the jacket. They bead and sit there on my chest looking up at me, telling me it's ok and that, in tears, I'll always feel her there with me..." Ryan's journal, January 2, 2005

(smoke me) homecoming... [08 Oct 2005|08:07pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | silence ] Ryan was supposed to come home yesterday to me, his family, his friends, my arms and our life. He didn't. I didn't get to run at him, spinning, kissing, having the nightmare of this deployment melt away and the moment he held me again. My boyfriend, my Marine, my hero... "It's hard to keep me fom jumping off a bridge when I already feel like I'm at the bottom of the ocean"

(smoke me) six. [25 Aug 2005|01:34am] [ mood | empty ] [ music | silence ] It's been six months since Ryan's leave to Las Vegas. It's been six months since I felt the heat of his skin. since I held his hand since I looked in his eyes and saw our future It's been six months since I felt complete. I'll never feel whole again. July 10. ATK.

(5 hits | smoke me) I once thought I knew everything [15 Jul 2005|01:43pm] On July 10, 2005 at approximately 2:30 P.M. my boyfriend, the man I was supposed to marry and spend my life with, Lance Corporal Ryan Joseph Kovacicek was killed in combat fire in Iraq. This will be my final entry.

(2 hits | smoke me) le sigh [16 Jun 2005|08:24pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | tori ] his voice flooded into my ear as a familiar wave of sound, and i am at peace again. peace is overrated, and so is freedom. sometimes i am amazed at the heart's capacity to withstand unimaginable pain. i am amazed how love shines true from the other side of the planet, from a spot in the west desert, filled with hate, and my hero. i am amazed, knowing what he has to see and do everyday, and the things i dont know he sees and does everyday bc he tried to protect me from knowing, that he still holds the smile that made my heart his that night at the bottom of the stairs. i remember us crying in the jacuzzi in las vegas, saying how it was sitll only the beginning, how we wish more time has gone by then we have left. as of today, more time has gone by then we have left. that doesnt make it seem any closer, but i am amazed on how we have maintained our sanities. i always catch myself daydreaming of his return. i imagine his family, and my family. i imagine myself in a pretty dress, and my heart swelling when the buses arrive. and within the blur of over a hundred marines, i know in a heartbeat which one is mine. and i see us running toward each other, embracing and spinning, a blur of civilian and military, a hero and his princess, spinning, as the pain of separation, the worrying, the letters, the 'turning off the news once the reporter mentions iraq,' all of the nights trying to fall asleep without a kiss goodnight...i imagine that all melting away. but for now, its as real as its always been. the only part of it thats truly over is the preparation for it. i am living the nightmare we feared since we met. i once heard that it would get easier. i heard that it would make be stronger as a person. how can it, when i dont know what easy is, what strong is. nothing about this is easy. i havent gotten used to sitting up in bed watching tv, turning to my side and not seeing him there. i havent gotten used to the silence. i havent gotten used to the pain of his absense, and i never will. the only thing that has changed is that i don't cry as often, just when i do, its twice as hard. the sensations that used to swallow me at the beginning when i saw other couples together, when i heard 'marines killed in iraq' on the radio, when i would watch the videos we made of us playing, no longer bring up tears. that sensation once made me cry bc it was new to me. now it swallows me whole until i let it pass. the human spirit amazes me in that sense. there has not been a day since ive known him, when i wasn't proud of him. i am with one of our country's heros, and i wear this with undescribable pride. one day he will return safe to me, my arms, and our life. he started his journal to me with one sentance that spoke a million words "The military doesn't train you for this." Neither did being a civilian. Nothing prepared me for the Sunday night I had to say good-bye at the drill center, watching my other half, and everything i loved in my life fall away from me, and there was nothing i could do to prevent it, to stop it from happening. like falling with nothing to grab onto, and since that sunday night, i never stopped falling. I love him more than I ever thought was humanly possible. Come home safe. To me... These tears I've cried. I've cried one thousand oceans. So I would try one thousand more If thats what it take to sail you home...

(4 hits | smoke me) israel. [09 Jun 2005|12:29am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | ayalalalalala ] a rap by arielle. and a parody by amy and naomi. So here is a tale about the past ten days From ten hours on a plane and now 10 shekels to my name So I’d like to tell you a story, just sit right there About a yallah yallah bus tour through this place called Israel. (you can add your own beats. a something like a, .. wa wa waaa wa, a do do do, doodle do do do...) Iiinnnn the Newark Airport, confused and dazed Stripped searched, groped, time slowly tickin’ away Chillin’ out maxin’ trying to order booze On a two-story jet packed with horny Jews Then a couple of foxes lookin real good Started bringing order to this birthright hood I ate just one cream cheese sandwich and got a little scared When I glanced around and saw Ya’ll 38 are f*ckin weird! Whistled for a bus and when it did appear 433 behind the glass and Shlomo behind the wheel Roni likes our legs and what's in between Should I choose the absinthe or bakbook mayim? Eatin falafel like it’s manna from the sky Wearing white in the caves, who the hell knows why. Scrapes in the Dead Sea and don’t pass gas Let’s moon orthodox children Shalom! Here’s my ass! Dancin on the bus, dancing by the sea, Dancin at Mega, and for Heather with nudity. Ariel camel groans while Dave “twenty-two’s!” How many people hooked up? Eh... just a few. : ) I've never seen so many hookahs before in my life So many Jews bidding for Yafit to be their wife Our sexiness made other busses drool But uh, hay stack plants? Yeah, sexy, but fools. Bring on the snack packs! Random to the max. Pre-melted cheese, hey Bernie easy with the Axe. Seriously dude. You sprayed it in my mouth on the ride home. Not cool man. Not cool. Mud-stained skin but group showers will do the trick I didn't get in on one, i've only seen buddhits' and quakers' sticks. Okay, never mind! Just nod and smile And turn up the tunes while Steve shakes it down the aisle. Boston, Montana, and all that's in between Florida, Oklahoma, NY and IUP Or rather, I U Penis! Taking pictures with widened eyes The girls are getting tan, the guys are circumcised! All right this is now more like a poem and less like a rap Let's bring it back around and get back on track Umm… basically it rocked. Basically it rolled. Luckily we didn’t end up with mono but just a common cold. I’m peacin, I’m out, but guys keep in touch. Let’s meet up soon for shmoke n’ a pancake and such. I know I haven’t mentioned so much more that was worth while. But daaaamn, really, We Do It In Israel with style. ‘Bus 433’ To the tune of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” Just eleven days ago At the airport all alone You were heavily interrogated To be welcomed “home” * * * * When the plane touched down Excited to be here For Eretz Yisroel Or maybe just for beer Wake up at early hours Who has time to shower? From 1 through 39 We think you’re all so fine We’ve seen the sights Masada, Tzfat, and the Old City We’ve shared the night With camels and Bedouins Bus 433-- So get your bakbuk mayim Time to meet a chatich Too bad we kind of reek From hiking in a creek The beach at Tel Aviv We’ve dug and planted trees Jerusalem and the wall Ate lunch at many a mall Israeli food Comments that were quite lewd We had some talks That were disguised as walks Bus 433— We’re sad to see you go Oh how we’ll miss you so Bus 433 we love you We hope you love us too!

(1 hit | smoke me) israel [26 May 2005|12:25am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | meep ] i will be in israel tomorrow.

(smoke me) tear [25 May 2005|12:55am] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | satc ] i miss him so incredibly much. by the time i get back from israel, more time will have gone by then i have left. no idea how ive kept my sanity through all of this. i read on myspace how some girls are going through their second deployment, their third. i can barely get through one. but i cant stop thinking about the first time i see him when he gets home. like a movie. where all the soldiers get off the bus, and i know in a heartbeat which one is mine and the background msuic kicks in and we run at each other, and he picks me up and swings me around. the music fades out theres no one else in the world. but i have to wait four more months or something to have that. until then. im sitting on the porch, in my sundress, drinking lemonade, writing one letter everyday for a year. my boyfriend, my marine, my hero. my hero.

(smoke me) IUP spring 2005 [19 May 2005|01:39am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | cant you live without the attention ] in a nutshell -bethany blair -julie marlene - pot - bungalow time - fingerpainting - sex and the city - the 'im so drunk i dont know where i am' night - party boy quotes - party boy parties - cozumel and benjamins - the toga party - the first party when our computer chair ended up by sheetz the next day - high in sheetz , beth with her pillow - ALICE PAUL HOUSE - planning israel with the jews - the sick bowl - writing papers with thefacebook as our motivator - writing my baby letters - LAS VEGAS - seeing ryan one last time... - so much fighting - my heart is black and decripid with hate - the lauren rhino moment - beth lighting her hair on fire and not knowing it - jason lighting his hair on fire and hearing crickets - applying anthro to everything - the night we took care of lauren at faish's - lauren passing out in the garbage, then waking up to say SO WHATS NEW WITH YOU GUYS - julie and i kicking everyones ass in beer pong, everytime - beth and julie always being there for me - our videos - trying to recreate moments - 'if ur in pain today, u know yesterday was good' - kim fucking knight - anita, the brazilian wax artist - oreo encrusted lips - regressing and drinking beer out of a baby bottle - FEEL WHAT YOU'RE FEELING - feminist times - pam - visiting ryans parents <3 - the time german and dave broke into the house to use our bathroom - st pattys day, beth wearing her dress made out of a beer box - staying with jamie at UNLV - 'give your asshole a field day!!!' - jersey mikes and julies amazing sandwiches - corn muffins getting stolen - ryans letters - sleeping on the lawn - sleeping on the porch - locking my closet - 420 -the night i wasnt there for but beth and that couch at faish's - finally seeing julies apt - wallowing in our fitlh and loving it - funny noises and dances while we study - celine time - dan...party liason - deVON and shane, our fabulous neighbors - the homophobe mix...YOU SPEAK OF THIS TO NO ONE!!! the highlight of my semester? beth and julie. i dont know what i would do without you two getting me through the worst thing that will ever happen to me lol. bridesmaids. you girls were ALWAYS THERE, i never had to ask, to cry with me, to laugh with me, and most importantly, just to give me a reason to get through everyday, bringing me one day closer to tomorrow. while our partying time was amazing, i couldnt ask for a better night when the three of us would stay in and dick around in the bungalow, talking about life and love and shit lol. alan thicke own the vag. love you girls forever <3

(smoke me) found this on myspace [12 May 2005|10:34pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | er ] froma girl who found it somewhere else etc etc. I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card. I am not a dependent or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this. I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times. I am a military girlfriend. There is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope everyday that he will be able to call, because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions, smiling with tears in my eyes from relief. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you” and “ I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going. I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, kiss, and every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind. I lull myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but I wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day. I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch t news reports, you may turn away and go about you business unaffected. When I watch the new stories of the war I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me pain and sadness. I am a MILITARY GIRLFRIEND, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me...

(smoke me) nj [05 May 2005|12:16am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | chimichanga ] im home. i got a speeding ticket in the process...so therefore i start working tomorrow instead of next week oh well. summer will be nuts, much jenzi time, discussed our summer plans tonight, classic. and i got an amazing letter from ryan today. thats all for now. everyone come home and play. ryan. i love you so much. ATK for always, my hero.

(2 hits | smoke me) tonight [22 Apr 2005|04:22pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | david gray babylon ] will be ridiculous. happy birthday to the beautiful bethany blaire derby. 34 days till israel. i would grealty appriciate it if: urawhore has visited your profile once at 04/21/2005 09:31:58 PM from 68.70.117.199 (68-70-117-199.pittpa.adelphia.net). Probable location: State College, Pennsylvania, United States would stop checking my lj.

(smoke me) i guess its time [18 Apr 2005|04:00pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | i think church bells outside my window ] to update this fine eljay. well it is april, and it is not warm. this past week and a half ive had time to breathe, mostly due to my ehtnography 25 page paper being done, aph training being over, etc. lots of time to write ryan longer letters, and finish the sixth season fo sex and the city...thats right... beth and i finally finished. so amazing. ima buy all the dvds when i get home. next week, on friday, is my fabulous roommate beth's 20th bday, so were having a porch party. her home friends are coming, my beloved jenzi and possibly long lost tim are coming up from NJ. tonight is the nursing formal, which i did bexys hair for. i wish i could go, but i wouldnt go with anyone but ryan :( i got two letters from him today, actually one long letter and a card, made my life. i return to marlboro, new jersey 07746 in three weeks or something, or two, idk.working at the pharmacy, then going to ISRAEL!!!!, then taking some classes at the harvard on the hill...my summer will pretty much consist of jenna and me, on the beach, learning how to play dungeons and dragons. [i am so kidding.] i am pumped. then by the end of the summer it will be just a month or two before my baby comes home!!! i dont have much more to say. i got to talk to ryan last night. he asked me if time goes slower when i get to talk to him more (two weeks ago i got to talk to him everday...thats the only week that ive gotten to talk to him more than once or twice.) the truth is, i live from phone call to phone call, letter to letter, and the time between them is slow and agonizing. the phone time and letters keep me alive. but when i got off the phone it was bad. so julie came over, and the three of us slept in beth's bed, and we talked for a long time. this is what my life has been reduced to.

(2 hits | smoke me) long waited [12 Apr 2005|12:41pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | ryan cabrera dont tell anymore ] ( vegas pictures, motherfucker )

(2 hits | smoke me) fuck you [11 Apr 2005|05:18pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | vag ] if i dont know you, dont fucking invite me to communities, even if i have the band in my interests. you are crowding my post space. fucking stop. i dont care if you need to meet a quota. leave my lj alone thanks you, management

(2 hits | smoke me) my baby [01 Apr 2005|02:33pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | david grayyy ] my baby in iraq Everyday feels incomplete until you walk into the room...

(4 hits | smoke me) helpless [31 Mar 2005|12:43pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | forrest gump theme...idk why ] the only emotion i feel that is constant. ive been neglecting this lj immensely, i used to write it in like 2-3 times a day. but now i have nothing more to say, other than i miss him. im three months in, approx seven to go. even now sometimes ill stop and look around and realize he's not here. he's not here to kiss me goodnight, to wake me up from bad dreams, to hold me like he was never going to iraq. there isnt a second that goes by where i don't miss him or think about him. i have been in love with him since the first time i saw him, and it was like nothing i ever felt before in my entire life. i spent my nights writing him letters and reading the journal he wrote for me while he was in training "The military doesn't train you for this. They teach you to survive, to kill, and to conquer. They teach you hwo to make a tent with no more than a 5/50 cord and a poncho. They tell you 'blood makes the grass grow.' The knowledge in which I need know leaves me broken and speechless: How do you leave the love of your life behind? It just hit me that I won't see her or hold her body against me for another 334 days. I can't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks and all over the jacket. They bead and sit there on my chest looking up at me, telling me it's ok and that, in tears, I'll always feel her there with me..." I keep my phone on loud just in case he is able to come online, usually in the middle of the night. This morning I was woken up at 5:30 to come to the computer, and he sent me pictures of him in Iraq. He still manages to keep his smile, even in a country filled with hate. When he was able to call yesterday, all I wanted to do was climb through the phone and hold him... there's nothing I can do to make November come any faster. But sit here, and wait. Helpless. "Vegas will be my third and final goodbye to her before Iraqi deployment. When do I get to say hello? I dont want to imagine not hearing her voice for eight months..." "Tonight I will live in her pictures. Tonight I will miss her more than ever..." "I am the luckiest man alive, because of her. Ineed to hear her voice. May our love bring me back to you alive..."

(smoke me) meep [20 Mar 2005|05:03pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | watching us on tv ] HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY BABY... ...wherever you are... :( Thank you for the best year of my entire life and a million more to come. Thank you for making me into a person I only dreamed of becoming. Thank you for waking me up during bad dreams and kissing me goodnight. Thank you for supporting me and holding me and making me feel like theres nothing better to life than the two of us. Thank you for everything and all that falls in between. And more than anything Thank you for showing me what love is. I love you, Ryan. From March 20, 2004...to March 20, 2009, to forever and always. ATK for life. You are my everything. Love is like falling, and falling is like this...

(1 hit | smoke me) i dont know [19 Mar 2005|04:39pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | dinosaurs ] tomorrow is our one yr anniversary. he is in iraq. i will spend it alone. i hate my life. ATK.

(smoke me) third flo [16 Mar 2005|11:15pm] [ mood | balls ] [ music | balls ] it doesnt get much sexier than this.

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